The Topical
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Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved
The Topical
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Hear why these gentle elders are adamant that their love for us all needs no reason, just as a sunrise need not a reason to be breathtaking. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan
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Hear why authorities now believe the suspect stalked the 4-year-old buck for several hours before shooting him in the chest. Learn more...
Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’
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Hear why scrambling DHS officials are calling the missing folder “no big deal,” but they would really like to find it. Learn more about...
Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids
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And they weren’t even playing with it right. Hear why these dead children apparently thought it would be a good idea to ruin the fun for...
Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters
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Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of...
UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law
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We have everything you need to know ahead of this weekend’s big legal battle. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit...
Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden
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Hear why authorities are now questioning how this 10 to 15 mph gust was able to get so close to the 78-year-old president in the first...
Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club
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For the first time since 2016, the U.S. will join over 188 other nations in celebrating the career of the esteemed...
New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse
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It’s called Inuus, and it promises to keep your partner sexually satisfied by sending a discreet, medically certified sex god straight to...
Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant
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Hear why millions of Americans remain concerned that taking the vaccine could shrink them down to a size so small they would need to fight...
Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal
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Hear why consumer advocates are warning that falling for this blatant con job could end up costing you hundreds in food and toys, as well as...
Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue
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Hear why detectives believe it could be the work of a serial killer. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second
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Hear why 9 out of every 10 children go missing as soon as a mother or father chooses to focus on something that isn’t about their kids,...
Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines
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Nearly 2.3 million Americans die each year from wandering into the ethereal black pine forest. Hear how you can heed the warnings of...
Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get
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Hear why lobbyists across many industries are growing concerned with just how easy it’s becoming to undermine the American public. Learn...
Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash
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Hear how public demonstration and counter-demonstrations have been sparked by renewed vows from pro-something leaders to get the thing they...
New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom
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Hear why health officials are recommending that anyone who works with food take a good 30 to 45 minutes to soak their body in a warm and...
Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room
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Hear the unbelievable story of a couple who thought they were leaving the hospital with their newborn baby, only to find out years later...
Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname
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Hear why police believe this psychopath may be trying a little too hard to claim the moniker. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit...
Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken
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Hear why members across the legislative branch are going gaga over the newest congressman representing the wrong side of the tracks in North...
Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’
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On this special Christmas Eve episode of The Topical, Leslie is joined from the North Pole by Jolly Old Saint Nicholas himself who has a...
Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021
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Get your telescope ready for the celestial event that only happens once every 10 months. We have the latest on how to best get a glimpse of...
Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle
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Hear why many CEOs believe ’tis might not be the season for becoming a better person. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit...
Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day
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Hear how this new productivity trend is helping Pope Francis get through his grueling advent schedule, and why it may be catching on all...
Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad
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Plus, what to get for your one cousin this year who’s obsessed with militias. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit...
Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame
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Hear why going back to a romanticized version of your past could put you at increased risk of having your heart broken yet again by an...
Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan
The Topical
Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’
The Topical
Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids
The Topical
